We have all seen those beautiful Volkswagen Kombi’s, fully restored with interiors out of a design magazine. Usually with a day bed and a bikini clad girl laying on it or a topless guy having a coffee at a beautiful wooden table. It’s romantic, sexy, and makes just about every person want to pack up their house, sell all their belongings and hit the road. There is just one problem, where is the toilet?
So, I live in a self-built van, I have for about 9 years. I also I ride bikes, ski, rock climb, and surf! Now with all this luggage, you would think that we had a pretty big van, one of those Winnebago style houses on wheels. No, we live in a small van not much bigger than a Kombi…and when I say we, there are two dogs to add into this mix. Now imagine, laying there, all sexy like, enjoying your afternoon reading in your sun bed, but there are two muddy downhill bikes dripping on you, you have about 40cm between the bed and the bikes and somehow your dogs have managed to triple in size as soon as they lay down. Just to top it off, you’re in a city and my gosh… you NEED TO TAKE A PISS!
I know some larger vans have a toilet built in, even a shower. But these luxuries come at a cost. Recently my friends rented a camper and came on a little road trip. Initially bragging about all their mod cons they had in their camper, soon turned to swearing and utter break downs. Now to begin with, it was a winter camping trip. So, the water froze. Minus 25 is not for a running water system. And I don’t just mean the shower! The toilet froze. And like it does when water freezes. It expands!!!! So, after a long day skiing, they were met again by that morning’s toilet logs. It then remained frozen for the remainder of their trip, so not only did they not have a toilet, but they were also blessed with seeing their shit sit in the toilet for the next 4 weeks! Combine this with no showers and four male friends sharing a small space, tensions got pretty high.
Now the worst case of toilet issues that I have heard about, actually comes from myself. I am sure there are worse and that many others have experienced the same fate but are probably too embarrassed to talk about it. Now this is vanlife meets big wall climbing! Imagine, camping along the Amalfi coast, there is a cliff to your left, looming up high into the mountains, a small road, and a pull off just big enough for the car to fit and scrape the barrier when you open the sliding door. Over the barrier to your right, another 500m into the ocean below. Now imagine, getting food poisoning. You have nowhere to go. It’s you, the railing, and a very long drop to the ocean. Let’s just say I was holding onto that railing very tight for many hours of projecting…. from both ends. Not the most pleasant experience of my life. Not my proudest moment. And not wanting to be someone who litters the oceans, made great use of my dog’s poo bags. That big wall poop tube really came in handy! Matters continued to deteriorate in the following days as I tried to relocate to a more “comfortable” spot, however, the time from realising I would need to go again, and the actual motion was about 60 seconds. As you can imagine, there were many pulled handbrakes in the middle of the road while I soiled my dogs pretty patterned poop bags.
Now I am not trying to dissuade you from moving into a van, I think it’s the best decision one can make. I am just trying to make it real. Those pictures on Instagram, ask yourself, where are their clothes stored? Where are the cupboards? Where is the food? How do they hide their entire life from sight? I know that no matter how hard you try, your van is going to look more like the inside of a dog poop bag, but that’s ok. That’s living barry!
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